Jan. 26th, 2009

fortunavirilis: (Howl- Never Alone)
Friday and Saturday were a lovely evening and day. The doc took me off the worst of the pills- the knockout fizzy drug of doom. My MRI hasn't changed (yay, I think), but my EEG results aren't back yet. Hu and I had a nice dinner and dreamed of all the places we want to travel. We're keeping a journal this year of all the things in life we want to do and the people we want to be. I even stayed awake past 9pm (no evil pill!). Saturday we had the green market (giant napa cabbage of doom!!!), got some stuff done, then went hiking. I saw some lovely wildflowers. Hu saw some deer. I missed them! I was too focused on getting THE PERFECT PHOTOGRAPH of a flower. Silly me. I saw some nice birds too though. Then we went for Thai food with Audio and no one hated Thai (only I had ever had Thai before- weird).

Sunday totally requires a do-over. It started fine with a late brunch of eggs and ham (no ham for me since that too much food) and fruit salad and hash browns and biscuits (with maple sugar and butter). And then Hu had to start cleaning the oven instead of letting me make my meat loaves for the week. So I got annoyed and decided to clean out the office and the junk room (bonus = some fun time going through the nostalgia box of photos and stuff). That was probably too much because several hours later Hu checked on me and I was aggitated and pale. Then I had a complex partial seizure. Then while trying to nap afterwards (all I wanted in life at that point was to sleep) I kept having myoclonic seizures (both semi-awake and in my sleep). So after forcing me to eat dinner Hu called my doctor. And I got to take extra meds last night (in addition to my normal meds).

Today I am tired, tired, tired. And my shoulder feels like someone dragged me down the street from where I was jerking. Plus I got to log the entire seizure experience in excruciating detail in my seizure log (a bright red moleskin- red equal NOT FUN STUFF). But I haven't had another seizure. So, if all goes well I just get to wait until my already scheduled doctor's appointment on Friday. Fun times.

So for those of you who don't know... Hi, I'm Fortuna Virilis. I have epilepsy. Some days I love my life. Sometimes life is pain and I don't even remember what happened. This past weekend I got both. Each day is a new mystery for me to unravel...
fortunavirilis: (Capt'n Jack WTF)
The 25 things meme is going around. I can't seem to focus much today and 25 little facts seems doable.

1. Growing up I loved hockey and hated basketball. Now I adore college basketball, but don't watch much hockey anymore. However, I can't stand pro hoops- NCAA or nothing for me.
2. I never thought I would get married. But I was the first of my high school friends to do so. Decide whatever you want about that. I was still 23 though.
3. Some people dream of joining the circus. I dream of running away with National Geographic and become a career photographer someone in the wilds of the world. I would never come back.
4. Sometimes I also dream of joining Cirque, but I don't have a 'talent' and I don't speak french.
5. When I was little I used to pretend I could speak French or other foreign languages. I've always had trouble learning actual languanges in school. I love listening to people speak in other languages though. I can feel the meaning a lot even though I don't know the words.
6. If I hadn't stayed in Memphis I was going to apply to graduate school for technical theatre at UCSD and several other schools. I'm glad I didn't because I love my husband and my body wouldn't have tolerated technical theatre. But I wonder what life would have been like had I moved to California.
7. I once had a scuplture displayed in the Guggenheim. My mother distroyed it a few years later when it took up too much space.
8. I have a half brother, somewhere- he was born in California, who my mother put up for adoption when she was 18 (1974). I didn't know until I was 18. At that point in my life I wished we had been switched because whatever life he had was probably better than mine. I don't feel that way now, but I'd like to meet him.
9. My Dad was raised Jewish. My Mom was raised Episcopalian. So I was raised Christian of my colors (she hopped churches a lot). I really feel disconnected from my Dad's cultural heritage, especially now that my grandparents are gone and he isn't close to his brother. I want to know more about judaica, but don't know how to go about asking. I myself am probably a little bit of everything.
10. My mother taught me to lie and my father taught me to keep quiet. My step mother taught me to speak my mind. And it took a series of very good friends (some still speaking to me, some not) and a few lovers to teach me how to open my heart enough to love- although I'm still learning how to trust each and every day. Love is learning.
11. I can tell you if you've moved the photos and such in my house millimeters. I trying to keep fewer possessions simply so I don't get irritated when people move things.
12. I get aggitated when I talk on the phone. It isn't that I have nothing to say, phones just bother me. I never realized how common this was until I started blogging and found many other phone-phobic people.
13. I still have the label off of the first beer I ever drank. I used to keep pieces of my life like a bird building a nest, but as my friends have moved further away the accumulation has slowed down. My box of treasures would be junk to anyone else.
14. I go through phases of my life when I become obsessed with nomadic cultures- the mountain nomads of Tibet, the Romany, the bedoiuns. I long to be part of an ancient, travelling culture. I know I'd just be an outsider. But the allure of both freedom and being insular is so compelling sometimes.
15. I will not eat chicken soup. We ate it for years as 'cheap weekday meals' made from the leftover roast chicken carcase from Sunday dinner (which I never ate since I was at Dad's). So all I got all week was greasy chicken soup with meager vegetables. To this day I love soup, but hate the very thought of chicken soup.
16. If I could take my IT job someone more meaningful and still live where I do, I'd hope for a position at Scripps Jupiter/Max Planck (mere minutes from my house) so I could maybe help figure out WHY neurologicial disorders happen instead of what pharma companies do (and just try to create drugs they don't really understand to treat illnesses no one understands). If I could help in any small way to help solve epilelpsy or parkinsons or MS I would consider my life complete.
17. Suddenly in the last year I have lost all fear of cooking new foods. Rainbow chard- sure, it looks like any other green attached to celery! Giant Leeks- let's make soups! I don't know when I stopped using recipes and when I stopped being tentative, but I feel like I've crossed some magical line where I've gone from making food to really cooking and I love being in the kitchen and the alchemy of it all.
18. For various reasons I don't think I will ever have children of my own. And Hu and I are both only children, so we aren't around other people's kids much either. This didn't bother me much when we were in Memphis my familial social network had kids, but now I miss the feeling of having children around to talk to and tell stories to. It isn't that I want one. I just realize that I don't think I'm going to get to be And A. and that makes me very sad. I hope if some of our friends do have kids they visit enough that I can spoil their kids with good food and crafts and tall tales. I miss the generational differences.
19. My Alma Mater's moto is 'Dreamers, Thinkers, Doers'. Having been a philosophy major, one would not think I fall in to the doer category. But if I do not initiate action I find not much in life gets done. This is cause for constant frustration for me. I don't mind doing, I just have always starting. I live with dreamers, and I hate messiness the most.
20. Even though I have a good job and a happy marriage, I feel like I'm not living up to my potential because I haven't gotten a masters degree or better or pursued some sort of creative pursuit. Working in an office feels too ordinary and empty, even though I know that the average American standards I am doing very well for myself. I don't know right now what I would get a masters degree in- this makes me feel even worse.
21. In six years at my company I've had six bosses and worked in four building in three cities two states. Two have since been fired and one died. It feels a little lonely having been here for almost seven years and every year having it change.
22. I consider 1998 the year of magical friendship. In that year my emotional boundaries were so broken down that I could actual form meaningful friendships and allow myself to be open and risk being hurt. Since then I've form fewer than a handful of friends. I don't know if it is me, them, or the magic was used up. I just know that I'm lonely and am willing to hurt if it means getting back friends like those again.
23. I think my dog knows when I am about to have a seizure. I can tell when she is about to seize. We are a seizure combo package- a seizure assist dog and her seizure assist human. I wouldn't trade her for any other dog on earth.
24. Some days I try to go the whole day without talking until someone talks to me. Usually I have to give up because I need something for my job. I don't know why I do this exactly, but I think it is because I want proof that I really exist and someone cares. I guess if RL people forget you enough (birthdays, etc) you start to wonder if you are just a cyber wisp of nothing.
25. I was born with jet black hair. It all fell out on Easter Sunday. It grew in lighter and is currently an auburny brown. Over the years I have sometimes wished it was still jet black since I love natural black hair. My eyebrows and lashes are still very, very dark. So people sometimes think I dye my hair. I don't. Although I did dye my hair black once just so they matched- only I missed a spot which had been previously highlighted, so I had black hair with one blondish streak.


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