fortunavirilis: (Akane)
As I may I previously mentioned, I decided to give up on the crutches this week and just walk lightly on the ankle (still with the brace). Yesterday I started driving again. I'd been expected all week for the fatigue to set in at some point. Tonight was that night. I got home and took the dogs out, sat down to read for a while before eating dinner and watching the first round of the sweet sixteen. The next thing I knew, the phone was ringing at 9:30 and Hu was calling to tell me he was on the way home. I guess the spoons ran out. I couldn't even stay awake to eat some dinner- good thing I had a reasonable size lunch. At least the exhaustion spared me seeing Memphis and Duke lose (not that they actually SHOWED the Memphis-Mizzou game....Grrr).

Today the office is alarmingly quite. I just don't know what to do. I did get to see a lovely woodpecker doing his woodpecker thing on the palm tree outside my cubicle area's corner window. I'm not sure there is much food for the little guy in a palm tree, but there is evidence he's been there before. It is intermittently easy to forget the lovely world outside our office (a block from the beach) and depressing that we never get to go out there during the day on quite days like this.

It is especially quite today since I'm mostly waiting on other people to approve and test my work or to collaborate on ongoing work items. This leaves me with a little more free time than I am accustomed to- and not enough spoons to use it for the heavy lifting open items that I should be starting (which granted CAN wait until next week). I definitely have a case of the Fridays.

My mental state is greatly compounded by the fact that it finally sunk in that two weeks from today I'll actually be out of state on vacation with no cell phone reception. NO CELL PHONE RECEPTION!!! I haven't been able to say that since my honeymoon over five years ago- and I actually lied then (I just didn't want to pay the international roaming charges and it was intermittent reception). I only have to get through a week and a half and then I can actually relax without coworker or family or the stupid housemate asking me for anything. I have no idea where the last three months went, but I am so thrilled about this upcoming vacation that I don't actually care right now. I am actually going on vacation with friends. Friends and the dogs! This I can handle.

Now if I can just focus for the next little bit...
fortunavirilis: (Shayla startup)
I fear I shall get nothing done today,
for the shear number of meeting,
discussing things,
that need to be done today.

Time is fleeting,
and tasks are exponential,
Bosses' brains are finite,
and ideas that are given,
are infinite.

There is not space or time enough to explain,
how I would like to fix the problem(s) at hand.
Or what is actually wrong.

Trust may be something earned,
or something lost.
But it shouldn't be given to me,
on a whim and taken on another.

Trust me or leave me alone to work.

I am not your fool or your servant girl.
fortunavirilis: (Cabbage)
First of all, since I didn't post last Thursday (or any day sinece then for that matter), my ankle isn't broken. I just have a moderate to severe sprain. It still hurts even in the air splint. However, the doctor said the only thing stopping me from walking on it was the pain as long as I had decent shoes and the splint on. So, this weekend I decided to try walking without the crutches. It hurt. But walking with the crutches hurts too- and the crutches hurt my wrists, my elbows, my knee, my good foot. So I'd rather just my ankle hurt than everything. Progress.

The bonus of no crutches is that I can walk a little more and help a little- some light duty cleaning, a little bit in the kitchen, I walked around the grocery store. I get exhausted and I push myself too hard, but I'm really trying my best.

Somehow the unexpected result is that my extra effort made Hu really angry- not at me, but at Audio. However, it took me until Sunday mid-day to get him to tell me what he was mad about. What it came down to was that even when I was on the crutches I was frustrated that the house was a mess and things were not getting done and that I couldn't help. And now, still in pain, I was helping. Yet there was Audio- perfectly healthy- all he did in three weeks was put the dishes away once. Three weeks! Hu had to take care of three adults for three weeks when he didn't have to and he finally realized that is how I feel like most of the time. And then last week I reminded him that Audio was supposed to move out at the end of March and he hadn't started looking for an apartment. Hu finally noticed that the first floor smells like stale cigarettes (we have no idea how we're going to get rid of that- stanley steamer, repaint?). That is a huge issue to us.

So Hu kinda freaked out. He saved his face (that's a freak out stress thing with him), he went ocd cleaning). He got passive agressive with Audio. He freaked out about all the things that usually bother me.

And the sad thing is- I'm not sure any of it will help get rid of Audio. Because every apartment we recommended he had a snide comment for. We want him out of our house and I think it is going to come down to a massive fight and changing the locks because he is lazy and has a good thing (really cheap rent that includes food and a ride to work most days).

I hate to see Hu so upset, but he is upset about all of the things that have been bothering me for weeks.

This is why I never wanted Audio to stay with us. This is it. Because there was no exit strategy. This is Hu's Iraq. He can't leave work at work- it drives home with him every day and drinks his bourbon and eats his food and leaves dirty dishes in his sink.

I want my husband back and my house back and my safe haven back. I want to go on dinner dates again. It has been five months of this and he earns enough to get a place. My husband is miserable and I need to figure out how to make this end for him.
fortunavirilis: (Everything's gonna be alrighted (SA))
I had my appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon yesterday (yes- two weeks after the minor medical visit). Fun times. I got my ankle poked and twisted. He checked my wrists and my other ankle (just to be safe since they hurt now from walking on crutches for two weeks). I got new x-rays. And that is where it got interesting. It seems I MAY have a hairline fracture of my ankle in the spot with the highest level of pain. So, I get to go for an MRI of my ankle tomorrow to see if I have the fracture and to analyze the ligament damage. This should be interesting since every other MRI I've ever had (and that would be many) have been of my brain. Do they put you in the machine backwards? Send you all the way through to the other side? I have no idea. Anyway... I then have a follow-up appointment with the doctor the next morning. In the meantime, I get to stick with the stupid air splint and crutches plus a sidecar of percoset for when the pain becomes too much. But because percoset makes me a loopy looney, I can't take it at work. So it is my nighttime silly med. At least it actually dulls the pain from RAR! to rar for a while. Yesterday it also knocked me out cold for hours. He was also kind enough to write me a note saying I can't walk to meetings (they have to let me call in) at work. Hurray- no crutching to the other building. I still think I need the space boot, because the air splint isn't helping. Hu thinks that the doc is just being cautious until after the MRI.

I am glad the doc said I was right to come in- that I should be getting better by now (and I'm not). I wasn't crazy or a wimp.

Now if only Hu would clean the house as a get well gift for me before Thursday since a co-worker has to drive me home and is coming in to get the dogs and walk them for me. I know- keep dreaming.
fortunavirilis: (Angry)
So, when I sprained my ankle- it was my right ankle, my driving ankle. For the past week and a half I have been reliant on Hu to drive me to work, everywhere. Mostly he has been good about this. But that is also because I have been willing to get up extra early, to arrive at work anywhere from 7:00am, 6:30am, 7:45am, etc when I would normally not arrive until between 7:30 and 8:00am. He's been picking me up between 5:30 and 6:30. In between he drives 45 minutes to an hour and then works his entire day. I don't think he gets that I don't have a commute, so I work the entire time. I could get another ride home if he tells me by 4:30 that he's running late, but he never has. He also emails me when he leaves Boca to give me a heads up he's on the way.

Today- I hadn't heard from him at 5:20 so I texted asking for an ETA. The response- 'A While, can you get a ride?'. Nope! Everyone here who has offered to drive me has left already since it is after 5:15. In fact, they all checked to see if I needed a ride before I left and I said no. He hasn't responded to my email back to him. So I'm stuck here wondering when he'll show up. And I'm sure he'll be pissed at me (he was last night for passing out when I got home- literally- and not listening to him rant about his bad day). I'm sorry I can't drive myself home. I really would prefer to. But I can't right now. I'd like to drive myself to an orthopedist, but I can't do that either. I need his help whether he likes it or not. And it can't all be on his time around his work schedule.

I can't do everything on his terms just because I'm hurt/sick. He doesn't get to be the boss just because he can drive. Hell no. Yesterday he said this whole experience was proof that we could live with one car. Well, today is proof that we can't. Because I have no control and no freedom with relying on him or other people and he isn't giving me information to even ask for help from others.

No, this isn't working. I need to go to the doctor. I need Hu to communicate with me about things other than work. I need him to understand how much pain I'm in (and yes I've tried to explain it to him)- when I pass out at night when I come home I am in serious pain. I need some control over the driving schedule- my job matters too. I need a break because the physical stress of just going to work and coming home is killing me, but there is too much work to do to not go.

I hurt everywhere right now and trying to take care of the damaged parts is damaging even more of me.
fortunavirilis: (House-MD)
My cute look for today:

-Merrel Red Slip on Suede Shoes (more appropriate for dog walking than the office, but still quite clean)
-Dog Print Socks (hidden by pants and splint)
-Ankle Splint
-The black pants that I hate, but don't require heels (I only own three pairs of work pants that don't require heels- I really need to go shopping if this is really going to last 2-5 more weeks. I miss my other pants)
-White tunic top
-Wrist guards with metal braces to help with the pain from the crutches
-Black medieval style necklace
-Red and gold shawl
-Crutches
-Extra bonus for anyone who would know that since I'm at work I also have on my Kennedy space center lanyard with my (non-Kennedy Space Center) work id and security badge

Suggestions for cute pants that go with flats and also supportive flat shoes stretchy enough for the splint to fit in???

My everything hurts from walking with the crutches and compensating for the sprained ankle. The sprained ankle also still hurts. Hu called my primary doctor who said I don't need a referral for an orthopedist and is faxing him a list of ones they recommend. So- I get a trip to another doctor. I'm hoping I can get an air boot/walking cast instead of the stirrup thing I have now that allows for too much mobility and not enough support. Maybe then I could get off the crutches (even if I still couldn't drive).

Positives- I have lost two pounds in a week without watching what I'm eating. Granted- I've eaten a bunch of veggies and fruit. But I've also eaten a bunch of junk/garbage food because I've been in a rush (McDonalds-yuck- on the way to the concert Friday), grilled cheese as comfort food. We even had steak Sunday night as a special treat with sunchokes and grilled eggplant (although I didn't eat a lot). So, I am dead tired by the end of the day, but I am building muscle with all of this forced exercise and losing weight to boot. The latest craze- the crutch workout! (no offense to those permanently disabled- I'm just trying to get through the next month with humor)

Major negative- I'm so tired at night I just want to go to bed and not eat a lot. But I need to eat to keep my meds in balance. Consequence of not eating right- I had a major seizure last night. My face started jerking and it started moving in a jacksonian march down my arms, etc. Hu ran and got me a clonazapam. I almost choked swallowing the pill, but I did it. Total seize series time start to finish- about seven minutes. Without the pill, I think it would have been a trip to the ER. Hu says he suspected I was going to seize all night because I kept falling asleep and then waking up saying one sentence and then falling back asleep (starting at like 7pm). I thought I was just exhausted. This is was basically like my reaction to the Zoloft before I was diagnosed with epilepsy (that would be in 2006, back in Memphis- I was diagnosed in 2007)- teeth chattering, then whole face, then back, then moving down my arms, then it started down my body (here I got the pill), then it kept going a little, then it slowly started to receed. I think it was myoclonic jerks in a massive cluster. Hu thinks I was going to go in to a tonic clonic seizure if he didn't stop it. I don't know. We're also debating the total length of the seizing. Hu says seven minutes. I don't remember it being that long. Did I lose awareness? Was it worse than I remember? I don't know.

I hurt all over today. And I, for once, am happy that with the sprained ankle I can't drive right now (no spoons to spare for that). I just have to get through work and I can go home and relax. We're making sausage and peppers tonight. Yum! I refuse to be too tired for that.

Stompy Foot

Mar. 7th, 2009 01:12 pm
fortunavirilis: (Totoro- B&W)
I hurt everywhere. But that's what I get for shimmying and hopping on my one good foot. I ask you though- how else was I to enjoy Flogging Molly last night??? OMG, so much fun!!! And we outed one of my Accounting Directors and Hu's entire IT desktop support department as fans. And one of his IT guys can dance a mean pirate gig :) Sooooo... sore and tired today. Dan wasn't quite sure what to make of Florida weather in March (it was a gorgeous night in an outside venue), but he was a little enamored of the whole thing. And, oh, the magic of it all. And they did some great stuff off of Swagger that I wasn't expecting and some old acoustic stuff... and I just love watching everying in the mosh area dance to "Devils Dance Floor" (wish I could too"...

Happy Sigh...
fortunavirilis: (Cabbage)
Dear Co-worker,

I know I may have over-reacted to your third day of nagging and criticism yesterday. But exacting revenge on me by scheduling a meeting today in the other building, on the far side, anf not providing a conference bridge is cruel and makes me really believe you are the ass that I only felt in anger yesterday when you were acting like one in frustration over a system issue C and I had handled if only you would listen to us. The fact that neither you nor the two other people in our building who were going to the same meeting offered to drive me over leads me to believe you are all thoughtless twits. I really didn't enjoy my 'workout' dealing with the multiple doorways (not ADA compliant), walk across the parking lot- including down a dirt slop through a hedgegate with no railing- and then through the other building. Then having everyone in the meeting stare at me while I caught my breath was really stellar. What was even better was walking back alone and getting back to my area and almost blacking out from exhaustion (I hadn't eaten anything, I'm on too many meds- don't ask). At least then some of my other co-workers helped me get to my desk. To think I once liked you, dear sir.

No love,
Fortuna
fortunavirilis: (I kill you with my eyes)
So, there's the You Tube vidio being passed around the web and now being shown on the major media sites and morning news programs. It is called something like 'Sleeping dog runs in to wall'. Hahaha! Let's all laugh at another dumb dreaming dog. Even Hu admitted that he might have thought it was funny a few years ago, but... He had to pause the tivo and rewind it to make sure I saw it this morning and we both stared at the video in mute horror. The dog first had a classic canine tonic clonic seizure and then wandered the room in post-ictal state at which point it walked in to the wall- because it was confused and possibly briefly blind and was almost definitely afraid. How do I know- I've seen my Cassi do this a dozen times. Sometimes that state lasts for hours, sometimes she gets agressive because she doesn't understand and her fear becomes self-defense. I can see the average non-veternary educated web viewer laughing. But did NONE of the media outlets run the video by a vet? Clearly not. It was insensitive to owners of epileptic dogs, bad information to owners of dogs who may have a seizure in the future, and just plain cruel to the poor dog whose illness was being used for entertainment by stupid owners who most likely were not getting it the care it needed.

For what it is worth- I'd like to beat all of them with my crutch, but I'm at least going to write the media outlets a few letter since they should know better (and the You Tube site mgmt). That dog needs medical, not media attention.
fortunavirilis: (Wrath)
My day today:

'Why are you on crutches?'
'I sprained my ankle.'
'How?'
'I fell down the stairs.'
'Did your husband push you?'
'No.' (Thoughts of how inappropriate that question is from people who don't know you very well.)

Repeat this conversation 30 times

'Why are you on crutches...
'Did your husband push you?'
'Yes, but he didn't do enough damage so he smashed my ankle too.'

Repeat THIS conversation 30 more times

'Why are you on crutches?'
'I find excruciating pain and carrying my weapons around in a non-threatening manner too much fun to leave for outside the office.'

Yes, there are about 65 people in my IT area. Two stopped at sprained ankle and asked how they could help me today (one adjusted my crutches to the ideal height, one gave me crutch walking lessons). Some chose conversation A, but were still somewhat nice- I think they wanted to make me laugh. No one offered to go buy me lunch (so I'm starving). Most people chose conversation B and I'm now intentionally avoiding because I am totally grumpy.

Oh- and I'm glad I work in IT and not HR anymore and conversation C will stay in my department. It totally shut that guy up and he completely deserved it. He'd been hounding me all day and caused me to carry a bunch of crap to a conference room without helping me (luckily I brought my over the shoulder laptop back, but still). Jerk!

I have yet to smash anyone with a crutch. It isn't from lack of desire.
fortunavirilis: (Shayla Anger)
Ankle is very much of the ouch. I need cruches just to walk, but then the shoulder is very much of the ouch too. I'm supposed to only take the pain killer (nothing too deadly, just what I think is prescription strength aleve or something similar) with food (there are like fourteen labels telling me this), but I can't carry the food back from the office fridge while on the crutches. And Hu didn't bother to pack me a lunch today. He did drop me off at work today- at 7am. So I am kinda hungry and sleepy and definitely ouchy. Plus it is freezing in here because we live in Florida and who puts heat in Florida offices, but it was only in the low forties this morning (yes, I know half of you will say that is warm where you are). And I'm starting to get very cranky. Want food so I can take my meds. Want to stop answering why I have the ugly crutches that I don't even know how to use properly. Want to just be a normal grownup that isn't made of FAIL lately.

But this too shall pass.

EDIT: Just want to say that I mustered the courage to go heat up some breakfast and a coworker not only helped me get it back to my desk, but also helped me adjust the handles on my crutches. Now I can actually use them properly- not only as defense mechanisms (I really wanna smash another coworker right now, but I'm using my super powers of silence instead), but as honest to goodness crutches (leaning on the handles, not the underarm parts! And I can take my pain killer now. So, yes- this really will pass.
fortunavirilis: (Muffins)
Happy Birthday ShadeSong

Even though you didn't get the Birthday you planned, I hope you get the day you need :)


check your email....
fortunavirilis: (Evolution)
1. Result of my fall down the stairs Friday: I sprains my ankle... the one that wasn't hurting until yesterday. Don't ask me, I just inhabit this body. Seriously, I was standing in the kitchen and my ankle just decided it had had enough and DO NOT STAND ON ME, started turning brown, and swelling. The sweetheart of a doctor at the minor med things I sprained it when I fell on Friday, but my body was so busy dealing with the other damage for the past two days that it just finally caught up to it yesterday. He did some x-rays to rule out a break (OUCH!) and now I get to wear a snazzy ankle splint with 'athletic or other supportive shoes' and limit mobility for a few weeks. Extra boo- no bouncing at Flogging Molly on Friday (but don't think for a second that I'm not going!). Extra issue just for me: all of my work pants require heels since I'm too tall for petites and too short for regular pants (solution high heels). I can't wear heels for at least 3 weeks. What the heck do I wear that doesn't break the dress code? (Yes, I know it is high time I should get my pants hemmed anyway, but even then I would normally hem them for dress shoes with at least a one inch heel.)

2. I still drove to work today (forgot to mention that it is my RIGHT ankle). You see- Hu is driving me the rest of the week, but he needed to leave for work at 5:30 this morning. That is too early for me to get to work. And Audio pretty much refused last night to get up and drive me (I NEED to be at work by 8 and Hu could get me home) since it was his 'one day off'). By the time I got there I wanted to cry. It was stupid. It was because I was too proud to call around for another ride. But after the person I feed didn't want to drive me, I didn't have the stamina to keep trying. Just, no spoons left last night.

3. No, I think that actually about covers it since Friday. I'm dressed like a doofus. I drove using my sprained ankle- and I didn't realize I even sprained it for two days because everything else hurt so much from falling down the stairs of my own doing.
fortunavirilis: (Capt'n Jack WTF)
So, everything was going mostly fine beyond the fact that I'm on day four on the headache that will not die (med change, cold- no clue). I'm all ready to head downstairs to go to work and then bam, I'm falling down the stairs. I managed to catch myself on the banister to the next landing up. I have no idea if I just lost my balance (because the meds make me a clutz) or because I had a myoclonic seizure. Now my shoulder is throbbing and my legs are killing me from where I landed. I refusse to check for bruises because I AM A TOUGH GIRL (TM). And I have to sit at work and pretend like nothing happened, but hope I don't fall down again.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fortunavirilis: (Weird Food)
Hu and I stopped spreading our money around a dozen or so eateries a while ago. Instead we focused on our favorites- basically one dinner place we adore and a weekend beachy breakfast/brunch place to just chill out at. We occassionally throw in Dune Dogs for the beachside hot dog or the bagel place, but we have become creatures of habit. And this is for reason, 'our place' knows us. When Hu grabs the occassional take out instead of us dining in they know I am having a bad night and ask after me. If they accidentally make an extra tuna roll (sashimi grade tuna wrapped in basil and thin layer of wonton wrapper and then flash seared - it goes to us). The staff knows us, we chat when we are there- and it is just a great comfy Florida vibe with to die for food.

Last night- icing on the cake. When they opened last year (this establishment- the original has been open for years a few miles away, but it has hours long waits and this one is a mile and a half from our house- in our neighborhood and they always get us a table), they had this odd sound but wonderful appetizer called 'pork wings' (Yendi- I'm thinking of you here). They were, well like giant ribs in jerk seasoning, but juicy and over a fruit salad with hints of srirachi. Yum. Then one day they were gone and we weeped. Well, last night we were chatting with George (the exec chef and co-owner) about his visit to South Beach Food and Wine and then the lack of pork wings came up. AND HE SAID IF WE CALLED ON A MONDAY AND SAID WHAT DAY WE WERE COMING IN HE'D PUT THEM ON THE MENU FOR US AS A SPECIAL. He just needed enough notice to order the port. OMG, we go enough that George will adjust the specials menu for us!!! I loved this place before, but now- best place ever.

So, if you are Jupiter, Florida and like either Seafood or Garlic Mac-n-Cheese (indironi) then get your butt to Leftovers (and give us a call because we are always up for a trip). If you tell us a week ahead we can even get you some pork wings too...

5 Things

Feb. 26th, 2009 02:44 pm
fortunavirilis: (Thoughful)
So there's this meme: Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

From shadesong:


1. Your brain:
I've always associated myself with my brain. I am my father's child and we are a brainy lot, not a beautiful bunch (or so I thought about myself). I've always thought my skill have been to see where things map together- to see the connections between all the data. And now, those connections, within my brain and the ability to see them, are slipping and it is so difficult to reconcile. But I just want to understand it all. Still. I have a (ir)rational desire to be a neuroscientist, to solve it all for everyone. To see how it all fits. I want to understand how my own brain works so I can map it back together and see how they all map together- all the little fractal pieces back in harmony.
2. IFMUD, if that' where you met T.? Is it?
We didn't meet with IFMUD actually. We met in college on the East Coast. I'd say I was a very damaged college freshman who had just escaped an unsafe home. And I'll let T describe his own state at the time. But I was also open with my emotions in a way that I probably haven't been since then. I made a number of friends that I still keep in touch with loosely and still miss intensely because I didn't have any walls left to put up, they had all fallen away as I broke that year (due to my childhood traumas) and I let each person into my 'family'. And over the years I've built some news walls that I wish I hadn't. It has made it harder in the friend department. Ultimately T and I helped each other in our own ways and also hurt each other deeply. But I miss him in so many ways because he's such a special person on his own quest in life.
3. Dogs,
I will probably never have children. Genetically it is a bad idea with some conditions on both sides that we have a likelihood to pass on. And I don't have the energy level to care for a child the way that I would like to raise one. So it would not be fair. It just wouldn't. It is as simple as that. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have said I would never want one, but that isn't true now. Now I regret feeling like the choice was made for me. And part of that was my dogs. One has epilepsy- like me only tonic clonic. So she's a window of what I might become. And the other has intevetebral disc disease. So we have to carry her up and down the stairs- our own beagle bowling ball. But I adore them. They were both pound puppies and I would do anything it took to take care of them. I chose to adopt them and now they are my responsibility. It is as simple as that. And there are days where they are more comfort than any humans could be. My dopey dog and the danger beagle.
4. Music
My teenage years were spent listening to probably the same music my parents listened to as teenagers- the Beatles, Cream, Mountain, The Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan (and yes, all on lp) plus show tunes. I loves show tunes morning noon and night. College introduced They Might Be Giants and a wealth of the obscure (Stew, Forest for the Trees, prizes for those than can name more!). Our bar music du jour was Ben Fold Five (4/2- Ben Folds!!!). But the songs the really stuck were from Aimee Mann- every note hit home with me. Since then I've somehow become a punk, I think I'm rebelling against myself and all my limitations and also am in love with people mixing celtic sounds with other things because my eastern european jewish family came to the states by way of Ireland and that appeals to me (let me tell you about my great uncle the IRA gun runner they deported to Israel- seriously!)- so lots of Flogging Molly (3/6!!!!) and Great Big Sea with old school punk thrown in. And when I'm down I still love Aimee and Tori. The only musical overlap Hu and I have is Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I have no idea how that works (much better now with two ipods).
5. Cooking!
I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with this- write about not eating for years, write about how I hate chicken soup, but love roast chicken. No- all of those are true, but wrong for this. Here's the truth- I think cooking is alchemy. Cooking is magic. Cooking is an act of passion, of true love. When you cook for someone, you can take something that was covered in dirt and blood and turn it into something sensual and beautiful. Cooking creates objects that involve all of the senses. Cooking is trans-formative, but is also ephemeral. No two meals should be exactly alike. I cook, but I never write my recipes down. I don't want to. I want to capture the essence of a meal, but the ingredients will never be exactly like that day- so the meal won't be either. My favorite chefs know this and have menus centered around specials. Perfect food is about being fresh, seasonal, of the moment in both the ingredients and the mind of the chef. There is no perfection in cooking because each palate is different- both the chef and the person eating. That being said- I think my perfect LIFE would be to have a house up north (paid for of course) where I could serve meals for up to six with my own organic garden veggies, herbs, and cheese, and local farm raised lamb and other meats from up the road with after dinner entertainment from area singers and writers- oh and don't forget the coffee (but someone else would have to bake, because that's too precise for my style).
fortunavirilis: (Default)
Most nights I have grown up dreams... work and chores and pain and sickness- the daily worries of my life. Sometimes my dreams are worse... monsters and running and bad memories of a past best left where it was dropped and scattered. But every once in a great while, I get to have little girl dreams and I'm never sure of what they are until it is almost too late to appreciate them- childish and girly and vain and barely worth admitting to in public except to say that yes, even I have these moments in sleep, at my most defenseless.

The sky was bright blue with puffy white clouds, no hint of rain. I saw everything as though a photographer and yet I knew I was her as well, half of the reason they were all here. The trees in the orchard were full and just starting to turn to autumn hues. Beyond the slightly broken down stone fences, the fields were golden with autumn wheat and beyond the woods surrounded everything. To the right- the orchard. To the left, through a opening in the stone fence and ancient farmhouse, stone and crumbling, beautiful blue with quartz veins gleaming and light hitting glass in the late afternoon light. Between the two- rows of chairs covered in off-white satin and gossamer bows. But no one is sitting now. The ceremony is over. No one is standing under the flower-laden bower... white mums, ruby red roses, pale green lillies. People mill over the farm tables that run the length of the closest wall full of the bounty of the local areas harvest. Everyone wants a treat, but doesn't want to ruin their afternoon finery. Yet, no one is shy- they no each other well and there is so much love to go around. The love radiates like a hot summer day even as the sun lowers still cooling the air full of warm chatter and birdsong. I've lost sight of her, and then- there she is just beyond the wall to the farmhouse all aglow, his arms around her, not a care as to whether she gets leaves on her flowing white dress. She leans back laughing holding her veil on so it doesn't fall off, he kisses her neck. Click goes the camera. And I wake up in a cold room to a slicing headache.

Our day was lovely in real life- small, but lovely. But every once in a while I have dreams, glimses really, of perfect momemts of perfect days I never had- silly, little girl dreams I have absolutely no control over. And I have no idea why I'm sharing this one. But here you go.
fortunavirilis: (Howl- Never Alone)
I got Hu's cold! Only it decided to reside in my throat instead of my chest. So I have no voice and get to stay home today (so I don't infect my coworkers). But I still get to work from home today. Hurt... hurt... hurt... And I haven't gotten any resting done from all off the work I've been doing. So tired. So ouchy. I'm used to the side effects and the seizures, but a regular old sore throat- this I am bad at. Such a bad sick person. Want to be busy!!!
fortunavirilis: (Yum-O (SA))
Green Leaf Lettuce
Tomatoes (2)
Celery
Carrots (GIANT CARROTS)
Brocolli
Golden Beets
Swiss Chard
Watercress
Mushrooms

Blueberries
Oranges (3)
Apples (4)

I still have mushrooms, brocolli and sweet potatoes left from last week.
Picked up some potatoes and some onions (added bonus- learned we get 15% off at the greenmarket for being buyers group members).

1. Crock pot pork roast with potatoes, carrots, celery, onion, wine, thyme (left over from fridge), garlic- at least two meals during the week; enough green salad left for at least one of these meals
2. Beer and Brocolli cheese soup (also used onion, celery, carrots, and mushrooms) served for lunch today with whole grain bread and have enough for lunches during the week
3. Teriyaki Turkey sliders on hawaian rolls with salad and sweet potato oven fries- dinner tonight plus enough sliders for lunches
4. Brocolli salad (with carrots, raisins, etc)- made to go with sliders for lunches
5. Beets have been roasted for a salad to go with watercress under chicken breast later this week along with sauted swiss chard (with onion)- with also have potatoes in case we want them for that (not sure we'll need them though)
6. I've eaten half the blueberries already (with greek yogurt and honey for breakfast this morning) and will have the rest tomorrow probably.

And we'll bring the apples and oranges with our lunches (and possible bake a few apples with maple sugar for dessert one night- yum!).

I have no idea if Audio will eat any of the veggies, but Hu's eating them, so I don't really care to be honest. Hu was amazed by how good the lettuce was tonight. 'This lettuce... tastes like lettuce!' It was pretty funny.

Oh- let me know if this is interesting to you or if you want to opt out of the cooking/ food buying posts! I'm tracking them for my own health/interest (in what I cook and how much of what we're getting we're actually eating), but I get that thet may not be interesting to someone else.
fortunavirilis: (Evolution)
Well, the visit with the neuro got me the answers I needed, but not in the way I had hoped.

1. I'm off the Lyrica (it was making my myoclonic seizures worse and I couldn't get past the spin-dizzies). Instead I'm back on the Topamax at twice the dose I had been on previously. Ha! That's what I had anticipated the doctor doing a month ago- before all the other med changes. The deal- we basically had to push the doctor to even look at my meds. I'm anticipated a drop in appetite (like the last time I was put on Topamax at the lower dose) and I'll be dizzy for about a month (but not like the Lyrica). I'll also have some cognitive issues (aphasia), but I've lived with that on the Topamax for several years now.
2. Other than that he barely paid attention beyond saying that meds changes are like 'fine tuning an engine'. Well, I don't think most cars need a tune up every other week.
3. So- I'm going to look in to going to an epileptologist instead of the current neuro. If he won't take the time to listen to me, then he can't treat me. End of story.