fortunavirilis: (Ben Folds)
[personal profile] fortunavirilis
I could probably re-title this post: What I learned from my spring vacation

The short lesson is that I have two sets of college friends- those that are pursuing their 'dreams', but find themselves with friends and no meaningful partner. The second set has found their life partner, but we all hate our current jobs or at the least aren't happy where we currently are. So, we've all had to compromise (or thought we had) to such an extent to stay with each other that we aren't happy for at least half our waking hours. I find this a sad and sobering fact. We didn't all make our choices BECAUSE of our partners- in fact some of us found them along the way. But here we are. We have fewer friends. We have fewer choices. But we have love. And we question choices along the way- if I did this differently could I still have him/her and have gotten to do this? Maybe? Maybe not? There is no way to know.

All I know is that I am among a group of people who are stuck in the middle of such a difficult choice- who we are and who we love are incompatible, but there is a gap we have to span. There is always a gap. And I think that one person always takes more steps than the other (or everyone always thinks they do).

I want to come home and run out to take picture with Emaline while I still have light without having to worry about what's on the TIVO (I don't really care) so I keep improving (there are other thing I'd do if money wasn't an issue, but it is). But I also want Hu to stop being scared of what he can do and call the producer from NBC and use the connections he has to do what he wants to do in life (that won't get him what he wants, but it is the first step). It took me two days to get him to admit what he would do if he lived without fear. And he has every chance because he CAN do what he wants without money being an issue. Then- I would get what I wanted too. All this time though- he claimed he like his job (out of fear of change, of failure, of I don't know what).

So, that leads me to this question- why are we all compromising? Why do we think we need to? NZ's wife is getting a degree (a second masters after she stopped teaching because she hated it) in something she doesn't care about because it is the easiest thing to do while working and it might help get a job if NZ finally gets the collegiate teaching job he wants. But she doesn't love it. So she isn't searching for what she loves. She's doing it for him. And he thinks she likes what she's studying or doing it to earn more money later on.

It just looks like the more we love someone the more we lie to those we love the most and ourselves and the more we cheat ourselves out of what makes us happy. Somehow that seems like I'm just off base here, but everyone I look at in a marriage lately has two people in jobs they hate who don't see each other enough or one person pushing for their dream at the expense of the other person paying the bills saying that they really don't mind. Can marriage really mean only one person is every truly happy or no one is. Or are there examples I'm missing of true happiness (not just the old marriage routine that you always see)?

I want Hu to have a job that he loves and come home to me. I want to feel like my job matters to the world and still have time for other pursuits both with and without Hu. Is that really too much to ask for? Is that too much to want for my friends as well?

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