fortunavirilis: (Ben Folds)
[personal profile] fortunavirilis
Following from yesterdays post...

I've made some choices in my life that have made me fairly financially successfully, but have also trapped me. Because if I leave my job I can only really go somewhere else where I make the same money- that or I can't pay my bills. So I have to do what I do (or go back to HR which I hated even more). I accept that those were my choices. Hu didn't force me to make them. He didn't ask me to. But he also admitted to me last night that he didn't do anything last night to stop me from turning away from other choices either- because these choices got us a house, cars, nice tvs, comfort. Here I am whining in the suburbs...

And at the same time, my epilepsy was creeping through my brain. For I don't know how long it was slowly seeping through my neuro-pathways until I couldn't even read a book on my non-work hours. I was a walking zombie-me, a drone. And I didn't hate myself anymore, because I had no energy to hate myself and I didn't care because I couldn't remember who I was.

Then we moved to Florida. I finally got the diagnosis I needed and through trial and error the meds started working and I started remembering who I actually was. I wasn't just an office drone. But work took every once of my energy. Then my boss died, the person I moved here to work for. And still I couldn't jump off the ride because I had all those bills to pay. Then last year some time the meds stopped working right. But I STILL REMEMBERED who I was. However, I didn't care as much because I was crushed with the bills and the fatigue and the hurt over giving up myself for so many years.

Just this past month we finally got my epilepsy meds right again. And suddenly (ask Hu or even my co-workers who didn't know me back in college) I'm ME again. Yet I still have to work this job and pay the bills, but I have all this pent up creative energy that I don't even know how to use anymore. I had to check with Hu whether I was manic or this was really how I was when I used to be 'normal'- nope this really was the me he met over eight years ago.

And it all crashed in on me yesterday. I had sold out seven years of my life to a corporate job so that Hu could work rock concerts and presidential debates while I got us more stuff to the point that I didn't even know how to be creative anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore. Hu came home to me in tears and I was so afraid he'd think I was upset at him, but he somehow knew what was wrong and didn't call me crazy or foolish. He took responsibility for when he was complicit in my compromises, but allowed me to accountable for own compromises over the years (we never should have bought our townhouse, but everything happened so fast when we moved and how did we know the market would crash).

In the end we decided that yes I still have to stay trapped in my corporate day job, but that doesn't mean I have to be a drone. And we took a drive and bought Emaline. Now, it seems counter-intuitive that spending money would fix my rant about my job and being trapped by money (how horrible does that sound), but bear with me... Emaline is the upgrade for my old camera which I hadn't been using (for almost a year) since I felt so guilty about film developing costs (I can burn through $100 in a weekend on film and developing since we don't have a darkroom- which doesn't sound like much, but money was starting to get tight after we had to replace my car in 2007). So I now have a Canon Digital Rebel XSi for which all my old Canon Rebel Ti lenses are compatible (they were new enough to swap out with the digital base even though the shop wasn't sure all my lenses would work- I didn't bring them in, but I checked before hand). So I can now use Emaline for almost no cost after we pay her off. And the next step will be a class so I can really get comfortable with her.

I tried to refuse, but Hu just looked at me and said I needed this. And I really do. I haven't been ME for years and he's let it slide since with my brain being off I wasn't really me anyway. But I AM me now and I can't accept compromising myself either.

Part of me is shocked at how he reacted. Part of me isn't. I mean- he keeps saying that he is just thrilled he has the person he married back. So I guess he loved me however I was, but zombie me wasn't who he wanted either. I was compromising for nothing, just lack of communication.

And now I have so many ideas of where the photography can go and sculpture projects from high school that no one let me work on since I was supposed to be a 'serious student' not an artist. But Hu married a moody artist not an IT professional or a corporate drone. I am who I am. The rest is just going to pay the bills. I'll figure out the long term as it happens.

I moved to Florida for a job, but ultimately I think I moved here to let myself go- the facade, the false me. I'm still working on it, but I'm getting there. No more hiding in the shadows.
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