fortunavirilis: (Ben Folds)
[personal profile] fortunavirilis
Ten years ago I listened to Ben Folds Five Whatever and Ever Amen on an endless loop. I just like it. It had meaning for friends of mine. I just loved it for the mix of sound and heart and quirk. Then, I became the girl he sings about who runs over men in Fair and doesn't give back their black t-shirts in Song for the Dumped (if he'd written Cologne then it would actually have been the perfect song for the last song before my husband from my perspective, but that wasn't written until years later). My breakup wasn't all Ben, it was part Aimee Mann too. At that point I listened to it over and over because I thought I deserved the punishment- and I still loved him because what he wrote was still emotionally true. It was like Aimee and Ben could write two sides of a breakup without ever talking to each other. That year....

That album also had the bar songs we played as the misfits of the theatre and philosophy departments at the dive bar in college. But then I sold out and got a real job and got married to someone who relies on me to pay the big bills. I couldn't bring myself to buy more Ben Folds (now no longer Five) because it cut too deep- he stayed true to himself and I 'grew up'.

And now I'm listening to 'Way to Normal' on an endless loop while sitting at my cubicle job- and I can laugh at him laughing at me. And it does sting, but I can still love him for mocking us all too. How can someone who refuses to grow up get so in to my head? Is it because I want so badly to pursue my passions and not be HERE? I don't want others to rely on me for money. I want to run off with my camera for a month and not be needed (missed would be okay).

Ben Folds is the opposite of me- he refuses to grow up. He gives up love for his passions in life. And yet, I feel such envy at this moment. How do I balance that? I don't want to run off and join a rock band (well, I mean I could totally stage manage a band no problem, but that's not my life), but there are things I do want to run off and do sometimes. And I'm trapped. How do I do those things? How do I get moments of Ben and still pay the bills (since I'm definitely NOT Ben).

I'm realizing that, not just with Ben Folds, I've made myself silent for seven years about so many things I once cared about because it hurt too much to not pursue them in my workaday life. And I can't do that anymore. But I can't get out of where I am either without turning my back on everything. I love Hu too much, but I gave up my dreams for him to pursue what made him happy. And he's not doing that. He's coasting along. How do I have that talk with him? He isn't my prison, but he isn't helping.

Ben Folds- damn it! Stop mocking me because I can't stop listening!

Edited to Add: Yes, some of the 'lost years' are due to epilepsy and medication and mis-diagnosis. But the above is all very true as well and it is all crashing in at me at once. I've slept through YEARS of my life. I want to catch up. But I have no idea how because I'm trapped and out of practice and alone in this endeavor.
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