Apr. 16th, 2009

fortunavirilis: (Evolution)
To put it plainly, my workday was pretty crappy yesterday. When that happens, I like to come home and curl up with a book/dog/whatever and just be small. But we couldn't- we have no food since we were out of town,so we had to go out to eat. That would have been fine, except Hu spent the whole evening ranting and raving like a lunatic about HIS bad day at work for hours on end. He was like a black whole of negative energy. And then he blamed me for it because I tried to give him some positive advise on how to handle the situation instead of just sitting there just a drone and taking it.

My thoughts- we had talked over the weekend on the steps he needs to take to get out of his current job and pursue his dream job (which will be a many year step by step process, although he has most of the qualifications and much of the experience he needs now). If he can just focus on that he shouldn't get so worked up on the every day stuff of his current job. It just isn't worth it.

The worst of it was that he tried to say he had done well yesterday by not showing his emotions to a specific coworker. I said I wouldn't allow him that- because he basically just suppressed those emotions until he got home and took them out on me and Audio (maybe not by yelling, but through his general negativity and tone, etc). He claimed I refused him small victories- which isn't true. I allow him wins at his job all the time: when he doesn't just transfer his 'wins' in to loses at home.

It was really terrible and an example of everything I have been writing about yesterday. He can't lie to me and say his job makes him happy if he comes home miserable. OR if his job does make him happy (in which case he is lying to himself) then he has to be honest and face the fact that it may ruin our marriage if this behavior continues. He has to follow through on his promise to call his contacts and follow the career path he really wants. He has that choice. If he's too afraid to make that change, then he's too afraid to be happy in life AND he's willing to make me miserable in the process. I won't accept that anymore. I'm sorry.

I truly in the deepest part of my heart want to make this work. But he needs to want that as well. I know he's trying. But he needs to want to be happy. And I can't do that for him. I'll give him time to figure this out. In the meantime, I think this is going to be pretty miserable as he processes through things... just as it will be for me to figure out how to do what I want to do within the constraints of my current job. Evolution sucks some days.


fortunavirilis: (Default)

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