Mar. 30th, 2009

fortunavirilis: (Default)
I just finished a book on world economics and globalization. I wanted to reread 'Watchmen', but couldn't find my copy. Did I borrow it all those years ago? Maybe. So I decide to buy a new copy. Hu also asks me to pick up a copy of an organizational management book. I already have one of those in my stack to read (a fun one- 'The No Asshole Rule'). Now things are dangerous- I have to go to the bookstore alone and buy two books. It never stops at two. Hu should have known that. What do I walk away with on Saturday afternoon...

-Watchmen (of course- of which I have already finished re-reading and we finally went to the movies and watched yesterday) I am now reading the Asshole book (halfway done)
-Hu's book- The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team (which I was supposed to read for work a year ago, but none of mgmt really follows anyway, so I'll get to it when I get to it)
-Bones (a book on forensic anthropology practice)
-Righteous Porkchop (agricultural theory condemning big farming like of meat)

And I still have a stack of books at home (including East Asian Literature, the Obama memoirs- just stuff I haven't been in the mood for right now).

For once I avoided going around the cookbook section and I wasn't in he mood for popular fiction (note books waiting at home). So I went from the graphic novel section to the social sciences to business back to true crime to medicine (I always check for neuroscience books- no luck this time, like usual), to the computer (no Valente in stock- only online). This time I also skipped philosophy and there was nothing compelling for me in cultural studies or biography. So- four books, only two extra. And Hu still gave me THE LOOK. I mean- HE sent me there.

Look upon me- I am a genre jumper and I fear there is no cure. I want to know everything. I want to fix my own brain and learn everything that's wrong with big farming and the global economy. I want to solve crimes like Bones does on tv, but I know there is no glamour in it- just stench and sadness and hopefully closure for loved ones. I want to read graphic novels all day and read Asian novels dream of India and the East and what it is like to be a woman there. I want time to read it all to learn it all. I want to split myself into a million bits and learn and experience it all at once.

I have these magical weekends of clarity when the neuro drugs let me read and I try to cram in as many words as I can. And then I'll have weeks of shadow. But right now all I want are words like oceans. Knowledge like air. And I can't be satisfied with one genre, one author. I want to explore all the facets of my intellect at once. While it is working I have to take advantage of this chance. Because it will stop working again at some point. Until then, I'll put as much information in my brain as it will take and connect as many neuropathways as I can so that the disease has to work that much harder to tear it down.

That and I'm just that damn curious about everything around me.

Ego and Stubborness and Curiousity. Will to fight. Will to grow. Will to survive.
fortunavirilis: (House-MD)
After a month, the Topamax is finally kicking in with the original flavor side effects. Weird. It cut down on the partial seizures right away. The mix if the Keppra XR-Topamax (higher dose)-Clonazapam has reduced the myoclonic seizures too. But I'm still having at least one or two an evening. And I've had to take an emergency clonazapam more than once to stop a cluster of myoclonic seizures (the doc seems to think that's okay- which is why I'm finding a new one- break through myoclonic clusters are NOT okay since they are technically generalized seizures). But still- things are leveling out. Yet- suddenly after a month of no Lyrica and the reintroduction of the Topamax at the higher dose- NOW I lose my appetite and I regain my ability to read. The word swapping came back immediately- fast enough to go 'AHA- Topamax causes me to swap ottoman with futon and clock with lamp (yes, I see the clock and say lamp every time, but when not looking at the object can say the correct word)!' Bingo! But I still had my appetite and food tasted normal. And I was too tired to do anything at all (side effect of the Topamax or going off the Lyrica or the ankle, I'm not sure- I was tired all the time on the Lyrica and dizzy too).

The only thing I can think of is that the physical exertion of walking on the crutches made me not care what food tasted like and forced my body in to being hungry. After all I sprained my ankle within a week of the med swap- either as a result of medication side effect clumsiness or an absence seizure (I'm telling you I have NO IDEA how I started falling down the stairs and NO ONE is taking that part seriously around my parts!).

Now that I'm walking on my own again, my appetite is gone and all processed food tastes funny again (like grocery store cheese or sprite). I'm driving Hu nuts because he had almost forgotten what it was like to leave me alone all day and come home to have me suddenly realize all I've eaten for eight hours is an apple and some water- and I'm still not really hungry for dinner. My hope is that once I can get back to the gym I'll regain some sense of a normal appetite. Otherwise, meals will be a series of me pretending to want to eat, eating what I deam to be a minimum portion of what can pass as 'appropriate', and then feeling ill afterwards. But I'll take that in exchange for being able read again and have intellectual conversations again. Real food (read- veggies and meat and home cooked stuff) still tastes good. I just have to push myself very hard to eat it. Hu knows what is going on. It is just very hard on Hu and I think I need to try to deal with this on my own. If I can eat just enough I think I can lose weight, keep him happy that I'm eating, keep healthy, and still not feel sick to my stomach all the time. But that is a very tall order.

I'm just happy I don't LIKE processed food and I can cook. Because otherwise, there would be a lot going in the trash right now.

Note: Today I have had coffee, a Jimmy Dean D-Lite breakfast sandwich which tasted like cardboard (Hu is making me eat them and I may have to fight back on that one since it tasted so... so not food like), and greek yogurt with honey,almonds, and raisins (this tasted good). I also had one piece of chocolate which tasted really weird- like chemicals (it was cheap easter stuff and forced on me by a coworker - I must remember that last time when I dosed up on the Topamax only the good stuff tasted right, like Vosges good). Oh, and I had some diet iced tea, which mostly tasted like artificial rasberry, but was bearable in the face of that versus not having anything to drink (I need to bring my case of water up from the car). Dinner still to be determined. I have stuff premade at the house. I just have to bring myself to eat it. Hu is working late again.

I hate this feeling.

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