Feb. 19th, 2009

fortunavirilis: (Loveland)
Lately I've been possessed with an intense desire to travel. I want to just give up all my possessions, pack a bag, and go. I logically know that this isn't possible- I have bills to pay and my health might not handle the stress of being on the road. But I want to do it anyway. It is probably a reaction to work and my health- the desire to run away. Yet, I think there is more to it than that. I am yearning to experience new things, see new places, and if I happen to see some people I know then great.

So much of my vacation time is used to visit parents or take time off when they are here. But I want to travel for myself so badly it hurts sometimes. I feel like for years I haven't BEEN ANYWHERE, so much so that moving to Florida felt like going somewhere. That is- until I got here and I spend so much time working or recovering that I don't even experience being here fully. I've lived here two and half years and haven't even been to the Keys yet- somewhere only four hours away. And it took until a few months ago to see the Gulf of Mexico.

It is probably childish of me, but I want to backpack around Costa Rica and road trip across the US with no real plans. I want to see Spain (with enough money to eat well there). I want to be immersed in a language until I have to learn it. I want to see the village where much of my Dad's family came from and go to Ireland and relive their sojourn there (en route to the US). I want to visit everyone I know in the US and see what their home turf is like, eat what they eat, see the world through their eyes.

All this is dependant on time and money. I'd have to give up my house (which I can't sell because of the market drop) to afford the travel I want. I'd have to give up my job to have all the time to do what I want to do (three weeks isn't enough when at least two of that is taken up by parents). I know the practical answer- a little bit each year, maybe if we have it in the budget. But I want to abandon everything right now that isn't making me happy. And not really living my life to the fullest isn't making me happy. I am trapped in a house I don't love (because it was what we could afford when the company relocated me at the height of the housing bubble). And now it looks like we can never escape because it will be years before our house price recovers and we can sell. And there is no help for us- I can pay my mortgage. I was smart and did a 30 year fixed. But our townhouse value dropped by over 30% since we bought it. And the government is going to make it worse for us since they'll allow some people to refinance at less than their original mortgages- thus stabilizing the market (by hopefully stopping forclosures), but then our house will be way above their and I'll never sell it for less than a huge loss. At least- not in time for me to do what I want to do in my life. I can't leave here and get a job somewhere else since I can't afford the loss on my house. 30%- over $100,000 drop in value. Yes, our actual loss would be less- but still too much to afford. I'm trapped at home from illness and economics.

All I want to do is experience the country, the world. I don't want to do it in a grand fashion. I just want to be there, to eat what the locals eat, to see their lives. But I can't do that right now and the bailout doesn't bail me out. I got here and I have to live with it (even though we downgraded when we moved to Florida, we still bought- but how could we know how bad the market would get). No matter how bad my job gets I can't leave, because it pays the bills. And all I see is doors closing on opportunies I could have had if I wasn't so practical, so conventional in my life- corporate job, marriage, home. I want to have no burdens to bear, but my own self (illness included) and to share it with the one I love. To see the world like we did on our honeymoon- no debt, no preconceived notions. Just a great adventure.

I want a chance to have that adventure again.

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